Site Title

Friendship

February 16, 2017

The year started out very promising. My girls and I spent New Year's Eve with friends and savored the moments as the clock turned to midnight. I started a photography project which brought me out of the doldrums.

We met new people and have fallen completely in love with them. I'm sure my girls are reading this and losing their minds. I mean in love with them as people. These three have brought an abundance of joy to our lives since the end of December. We've spent as much time with them as we are able. They have become family.

My girls will need them more than ever now. Last Friday, I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. It is not in my lymph nodes as far as they can see, but it can be there microscopically. I go in today to speak with the oncologist and next week to schedule a bilateral mastectomy with the surgeon.

I don't think it's a coincidence that these wonderful teens and tweens have entered our lives. God has placed them there at this particular moment.

I love these kids. They make me laugh and they bring me joy. I'm thankful they've entered our lives and most especially now when my girls need them.
Starting Over

February 2, 2017

It started as something small but has built up some steam and now there's a series of photos. My girls met some other teens and we have been having a grand time taking photos for what we call Gage's Gang. This project has me going out and doing more than I have in the past 18 months. I didn't realize how much my friend's death had affected me.

My girls were affected as well. The past year has been horrible but we've recovered. We lost about 80% of our friends for various reasons. Some because we all disagreed about things and others because they couldn't handle us in our grief. Some of these people had been friends of ours for over 10 years. It's been a hard road.

The summer started us on the path to recovery from the grief and all it's rippling effects but it wasn't until this January that the real healing started, at least for me.

At the beginning of the new school year in 2015, we met a wonderful young lady who had moved in from North Carolina (sometimes you have to love the Army). She became incredibly close to both my older two girls. Without her love and friendship, my girls wouldn't have survived as well as they did. Through her we met a fantastic group of youth. I haven't laughed as much as I have since the start of 2017.

The coming summer is going to be filled with grand ballet adventures in New York City, but in the meantime, we plan on taking this group of teens (minus the kid squatting in the ball cap) around Texas to take photos. We call this Gage's Gang.

The love these guys have for each other and me have been my healing balm.

"The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love." ~ Hubert H. Humphrey
Perspective

February 10, 2016

Each year, I choose a word to focus on instead of a New Year's resolution. This year I chose the word PERSPECTIVE.

Why? Well, I realized this past year that people's reaction to things were colored by their perspective. This made their view unique but not wrong.

This past fall was a very difficult one. I approached ballet with the perspective of ensuring my daughters received instruction that would help move them forward. Others approached the year with just continuing things. I had to look beyond just the emotional attachment to the school to finding what is best for my daughters especially with one intent on becoming a professional dancer. Will she make it? I'm not sure. Is she good enough? I'm not sure either. However, it's her dream. I couldn't wait for things to settle down. Time is important especially at age 14. The next couple of years are crucial. Different families approached this ballet year with a different goal in mind. That colored the way we all reacted to events.

I had a mom coming at me with venom and hatred after my last post. She told me I chose not to help with Nutcracker until after a new teacher was hired. Well, I'm guessing from her perspective that's what she saw. What she didn't see were the hours I had already put into costumes for Nutcracker including her own daughter's snow costume. Perspective is also colored by the input of information.

I don't expect everyone to agree with me. We were given minds and free will. I do know where I stand on things and have never shied away from expressing my opinions.

So, perspective. Everyone sees things differently. That's what makes us all so unique.
Nutcracker and What it Means in 2015

December 8, 2015

Last weekend, we had our opening night of Nutcracker. This year was an especially difficult one as we lost our beloved ballet instructor, Renee "Sissie" Gillenwater to cancer. Her death was quite unexpected as we did not know her cancer had returned. She went into the hospital after getting quite ill on a Thursday afternoon and the very next Thursday, she passed. My girls and I were quite traumatized and we are struggling still today with the grief. Pumpkin has spent an inordinate amount of time creating art as her therapy. Honey has kept most of it inside and occasionally, the grief bubbles out. Sister posts on Instagram when her grief becomes too much to bear.

Nutcracker 2010

Sissie was part of our lives for 10 years. I accidentally discovered Newcomb School of Ballet. I had called a few of the dance schools one day in October of 2005. Sissie was the first to call back and the rest is history as they say.

Sissie with the three girls after Pumpkin's first spring ballet.

Her death brought inconsolable grief for us and, a fear for the future of our ballet lives. We could not imagine life without ballet. I have been a vocal voice since the beginning about the need for a quality and experienced instructor to come to the school. At times I'm sure people have viewed me as less than charitable but my intention has always been to bring the best to Newcomb, as Sissie was. To be the best, you need experience as well as education in the art of ballet.

Our fearless leader in her rockin' heels in 2012

From the start I have always been honest and have said we would stay through Nutcracker this year because we were determined to dance on for Ms. Sissie. My plan was to continue on past Nutcracker with Newcomb only if a really qualified instructor were hired. I'm quite serious about the need for quality so much so that I even took my daughters to the Dallas area for supplemental classes. Luckily, one of Sister's instructors from her summer intensive owns a studio there and had invited her to come take classes.

"Bug Talk" in 2013

In November, we did explore our options for next semester. It was not something we did lightly. My heart broke into a million pieces as we walked through the doors of the other studio an hour away. My girls' hearts broke as well. There were plenty of tears as we led up to this. However, we do not have to go to that studio. Newcomb hired an instructor who I think will do a fine job of teaching the upper levels (Sister and Honey's level). Please know, this was never anything personal. It was about making sure my daughters received the best training possible. My oldest wants to dance professionally. I had to do what I could to facilitate that.

After "Hansela and Gretel" in 2014

Our studio is fractured. There were many instances where the MOB split in two. It has even trickled down to the ballerinas. It's from something as small as not applauding dancers to keeping the contraband candy in the corner of the dressing room for only a few of the Company as opposed to the whole Company as in past years.

And for those who think I'm heartless or callous, know I'm not. I keep things tightly coiled inside. When you do see me cry it's because the grief has become so overwhelming that it bursts out. I miss Sissie more than I can ever put into words. I'm not very good at the words and I tend to be blunt and to the point. I'm not known for my kindness but I do have a good heart.

My three girls with Sissie after Nutcracker 2012

We have three more performances left. In these, the girls will be a part of a tribute dance they helped to choreograph. It will be intensely emotional. I hope it brings some healing as well.

Sister as Dewdrop this year

Pumpkin as Francesca this year.

Honey as Chinese Tea this year
Grief

August 31, 2015

She is supposed to be here today. She is supposed to be here for at least 8 more years which is when Pumpkin graduates high school. She is supposed to be here when they return from college to visit. She is supposed to be here. But, she isn't.

Instead, we are starting our ballet year without our fearless leader, our MOB (Mothers of Ballerinas) Boss. She was taken too soon. And, we are still reeling from the loss. I keep thinking she's going to pop around the corner.

Eternal rest, Sissie. I miss you.
In Which I Return to Blogging

June 16, 2015

Boy, it's been a long time since I've been here to talk about things other than autism. This journey as a homeschooling Catholic military family is incredible.

One of the many things I've been asked in regards to homeschooling has been the socialization. I never thought I'd be worried about it because well, we are socialized. My children know how to interact with other people. They participate in enough activities to have those types of interactions.

However…I never envisioned a world where it would not be enough. I've had various conversations with my children. Most of them are lonely. They feel a lack. I have one child who craves a friend who might be a kindred spirit along the lines of Anne Shirley of Anne of Green Gables. I have another who is now starting to notice boys, but she doesn't have a lot of interaction with them. Her main activity? Ballet. There is only one boy in the ballet school and he's like 10. She doesn't need or necessarily want a boyfriend (she's a bit too young anyway). She just wants a friend who is a boy (most of my friends in high school were boys so I understand). This year she expanded her horizons and attended her first CCD class. Although she didn't learn anything new about her faith, she did meet a lot of new people and that was well worth the time. She's made friends although one of them is leaving.

I have one kid who has prayed hard for that one good friend to show up. This year we are going to be more intentional about his days and include some activities that will hopefully, expose him to lots of new people.

Friendship. I've tried to explain to my children that it's something we need to cultivate. Sometimes you outgrow a friendship. It's happened to me before. We are constantly a WIP (Work in Progress to borrow a knitting term). The lessons learned when a friend leaves our lives can be difficult whether the leaving be physically or emotionally. My children have also learned that just because you know someone for years does not automatically make them a friend.

Sometimes you learn that people come back into your lives and your life becomes richer for it.

And, here it is. My rambling-not-quite-making-sense return to blogging.
April is Autism Awareness Month

March 31, 2015

This is my son.

He is a huge football fan and can talk for hours about the NFL down to the minute on a play in any given game.

He has trouble sleeping if I am not home.

He loves music and would love to be a country music star.

He doesn't like to sit on certain chairs because he doesn't like they way they make him feel. I let him stand.

He enjoys the ritual of mass and loves being a part of it.

He doesn't like change be it in a schedule or the recipe of a favorite food from a favorite restaurant.

He loves his two youngest Texas cousins enormously. They adore him as well.

He is very literal minded and sees things in black and white. There is no gray for him. It's right or it's not.

He will play with his youngest sister for hours.

He can also fight like crazy with his youngest sister.

He will be 17 this year.

He wants to drive but has such visual perception issues that he's not developmentally ready yet.

He asks me often why God made him this way.

He plays 6 man football even though he's afraid of being tackled.

He can throw the football like a rocket.

He can converse very well with adults. Most of the adults don't respond very well. Luckily, he doesn't notice.

He wants a friend in the worst way.

He loves his family in Texas and on the East Coast.

This is my son.

He is the face of autism and I love him.
Ribbon Tutorial for Ballet Flats

August 25, 2014

My youngest just moved into Ballet II. This level requires ribbons on ballet flats. I know there are several newbies so I decided to help them out.

First cut the ribbon if it's one long piece.

Put the ribbon right under the arch.

Mark where the ribbon goes.

Either hand or machine baste.

Try the shoes on and make sure the ribbon has been placed properly. If so, sew with smaller stitches to secure. I stitch three times across to really secure the ribbon. Basting makes it easier to undo if the ribbon was not placed properly.

After all that remove the elastic. The ribbons will hold the ballet flat in place while dancing. Happy dancing, y'all.
April is Autism Awareness Month

April 1, 2014

He loves football and can speak incessantly about the the NFL. He know details down to the second in a game.

He struggles daily with loneliness.

He adores little babies and younger children.

He wishes he were normal.

He loves his mother beyond measure.

He is having trouble with school and isn't on grade level which torments him.

He is a sweet loving boy who is extremely loyal.

He wants friends his age.

He once mentioned that sometimes he felt like Clark Kent in "Man of Steel" when Clark had locked himself in the closet at school.

He stepped completely out of his comfort zone and started to play football.

He has always adored his youngest sister and shows it by teasing her relentlessly.

He has sensory issues that have always hindered him.

He loves mirrors.

He wants to be a country music star.

He just wants to be loved.

He is 15.

He is my son.

He has autism.

This.

This is the face of autism.
Speech and Debate

March 20, 2014

The homeschool community, nationwide, has two different organizations that run speech and debate tournaments. These are Stoa and NCFCA. Our small band of students participate in Stoa. I am their coach. I have no idea what I am doing but am enjoying learning beside them.

I have six students including Brother and Sister. We plan on adding at least two more and losing one as she's a senior.

This past week, they competed in the Westlake Escalade speech and debate tournament. Brother competed in the Dramatic Interp with the St. Crispin's Day speech, in Original Oratory on NFL quarterbacks, and Impromptu. Sister competed in the Humorous Interp with a section from Anne of Green Gables, in Original Oratory on ballet, and Impromptu. Neither made it to the finals, but both have really been bitten by the bug. Even Pumpkin has. She has decided she wants to do an Interp(pretation) for the next junior tournament. We are saving up to send the kids to a speech camp this summer.

Despite their protest (and tears), both will compete in debate next year as well. I have thought about team policy debate for the novice debaters but think we will stick with Lincoln-Douglas debate. And, they'll just have to jump into the deep end.

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