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When my son was diagnosed with autism, I had just found out the day before I was pregnant with Pumpkin.  It was a very bittersweet time for me.  I felt overwhelmed by many emotions.  I was riding a high from the positive pregnancy test and then I crashed with the news that Brother did indeed have autism.  And, my low was tempered by the knowledge that there's a name for all of Brother's issues.  There were many moments when I had been feeling a failure as a parent because things just did not work with Brother.  

I also grieved for what might have been.  What kind of man would he have grown to be if he were "normal"?  Was he going to be independent?  How was I going to ensure he was taken care of for the rest of his life?  What kind of a big brother would he have been?  With all of his successes, those fears and thoughts started to disappear.  I thought I had gotten a handle on those emotions.

They have started to rear it's ugly heads again.  As Brother has grown and developed, different issues have come up.  He doesn't have any close friends.  You know, a friend who will play/socialize with you even in a group situation.  One that doesn't just spend time with you when there's no one else but because he likes to be with you.  He has friends.  Friends who play with him.  But, no one special.  He wants to have a great friend.  But, his lack of social conversation, his inability to read social cues, his inability to just jump into a game and play have hampered him.  I see other boys when he's with them and their eyes glaze over.  

I see other boys avoid him.  I hear other boys call him the annoying one.  I know what it's like to converse with him.  It can be like Groundhog Day; the same thing over and over again.  But, as an adult I can steer him to other topics and move him on.  

So, the grief still lingers.  I HAVE embraced who he is, but I'm still sad for what is not.  And, not for me, but for him.  I don't want him to be lonely.  I want his life to be easier.  What mother wouldn't?